I have a confession that might forever cast be as a social pariah, but it's one that I must make: I was charged with speeding.
I want to apologize and beg the forgiveness of my family, friends, and community. To show how remorseful I am, I agreed to take an online "Driver's Safety Course" in exchange for dismissal of the charge.
Yes, for a stinging $180 and a chunk of my saturday that I could have more productively spent DOING LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD, I was able to keep the shameful offense off of my permanent record.
My advice to anyone else taking the "4-hour" course:
First, if there's a question that asks you to choose between one of four options, chose the option that best completes the "scared straight" narrative. For example, if the question is, "How many baby are killed by speeding drivers each year: (A) five (B) fifty (C) five hundred or (D) five-hundred billion?" THE GODDAMN ANSWER IS FIVE-HUNDRED BILLION!
Second, if a hypothetical is posed and you are required to select which action should be taken, the correct response NEVER includes "speeding up." Even if you are being chased by a pack of sasquatches down a dark country road, don't increase your speed. (There's a reason you're being required to complete this course, after all.)
Finally, if they ask, the accident was ALWAYS preventable.
Here's some exciting footage of me taking the course: